Hiatus

things have become extremely hectic in my daily life, so i’m taking a time out.  i guess that’s happened, really.  thanks for tuning in, and i’ll be back. pinky swear.

insult to injury

having had enough medical issues in my adult life, i understand how medical billing works. right now, however, i’m agitated.

my first ER visit, the day before i lost The Magic Bean, was on Sunday 4/5.  i received my ER co-pay bill on Tuesday 4/7. after the second ER visit, on 4/8, i received the  co-pay bill on 4/10.  and keep in mind that i had my OB visit in there somewhere, with its magical co-pay.  right now, that’s $240.

and the rest of the hospital bills have started to roll in…just from the first ER visit. $157 here, $169 there…all things not covered by my insurance, and not covered by my supplemental, as they didn’t QUITE fall under “maternity”, since i lost The Bean.

when its all said and done, i’m probably looking at $1500 in bills and nothing to show for it. yeah, i know its standard, etc… but right now, i’m finding it appalling.

leaving Numbsville

this whole experience, at least physically, is drawing to a much needed close.  i’ve spent the past few days comfortably in Numbsville.  today, not so much.  too bad, i kind of liked it there.

today i’ve been crying a lot, or at least on the verge most of the time. there’s been a lot of snuffling about “unfair” and “what did we do to deserve this…again?”.  i’m at loose ends, doing laundry, cleaning and writing, just waiting for the day to pass so that tomorrow i’ll be one more day further removed.  

i sat on our side steps this morning, drinking coffee and thinking that 7 days ago, the spotting had just started and that Chris was insisting that we stay positive, that we’d (i’d) be fine.  and we WILL be fine, even in light of all of this.

what i really cannot say enough, is how truly fantastic Chris has been through it all.  without him, and his care & support & love, i’d be in a helluva lot worse shape.  i know how draining its been for him, and we’ve talked about it throughout the week.  and yet he’s always right there.  so for that i’m eternally grateful and seriously lucky.

i’m caught somewhere between wanting to ignore it and wanting to talk about it. it’s confusing, adding to an already heightened emotional state, my mood changing with each minute.  i feel crazy, and not “crazy good”.

i’m going to go eat grilled cheese. i’m sure most of you know that grilled cheese has magical healing properties.

gettin’ down (to zero)

it’s been a rough few days.

i saw my OB on Monday at 3. after my exam, she said the worst was over.  i wish she had been right.

i just returned home after being in ER for 6 hours. the bleeding & cramping had greatly increased, and this morning i was extremely weak & lightheaded.  i put in a frantic call to the OB’s answering service, and when the Doc on call got back to me, she recommended that i head to the ER.

pumped full of fluids, more blood drawn and we waited.  when my bloodwork came back, they hit me up with Dilaud!d (wowzers, i was one wrecked chick for about an hour) and then started Pitocin to speed along the process of emptying my uterus.  and then i was faced with the big question: Did i want to have the D&C they were offering?  

i opted to not do it.  while it would most certainly “bring my count back to zero” a LOT quicker, i couldn’t see myself going through that in one piece after what’s already been a very long & stressful week.  my body & mind are exhausted.  i’m spent.  

fortunately, my boss is pretty wonderful and gave me the rest of the week off.  (yeah, i actually DID go to work today, and almost passed out on the second floor landing trying to get up to the third floor. needless to say, i left a short while later) i’m trying to ride this out with a positive attitude, but that’s not going so well at the moment.

*if i’m not making much sense, this post was sponsored by Vicod!n*

The Magic Bean

i had this really wonderful post to publish today, but its null and void now.

i had another miscarriage yesterday/today.

 most of you didn’t even know i was pregnant.  hell, it was shocking to ME when i realized around St. Patrick’s Day that i was a handful of days late.  i chalked it up to a whole lot of stress, with taxes and whatnot.  (and believe me, i was under some massive stress with Small Biz tax stuff).  but on the 18th, when the test came back with two lines…i called my OBGYN and made an appointment, and was given today at 3pm.

i ate well, so well.  cut out coffee, caffeine in general.  i was SO GOOD.  i took it easy at work, not lifting. 

i started spotting on Thursday, light & brown. and on Friday, same with light cramps. and Saturday, ditto. and yesterday, the blood was a little more red in color. so we went to the emergency room. exam, bloodwork, ultrasound.  the Magic Bean was hanging in there, 5 weeks 5 days. (or 6 weeks, 6 days according to today’s exam – you be the judge) i felt a little more confident when we left the ER, as we’d see my doc today.

shock and horror, though, when i woke up at 2:30 this morning bleeding hard and in cramp-tacular pain.

i just got back from an emergency ultrasound. the Magic Bean is no more. i still see my doc at 3.  i don’t know what the weather is like in your part of the world, but its thunderstorming and raining to beat the band in my little corner.  we’re looking forward to that 45 minute drive, for sure. as the Doc who read my ultrasound said “at least there’s no tissue remaining”. i agreed. a D&C would pretty much shatter me right now.

i’ve been alternately sobbing and “okay” all day. Chris is being super-awesome, as he usually is.  we didn’t expect The Magic Bean, and i got to be really excited for almost 3 weeks. and poof! its gone.

i just want to share this with you. i haven’t taken pictures in weeks.  but i was happy to capture this on 3/18. i was hoping to print & frame it for Christmas. this was Chris on 3/18/09. in theory, after we saw the Doc, got the thumbs up and told our families, i had this awesome “we’ve got OITO” post to make public. well, no.

i’ve got nothing, so here’s a meme

I found this meme on Dawn’s blog, who found it on Facebook (home of lost memes) and decided to do it because on the 16th, Chris and i will have been “together” as a couple for 6 years.  so…The Couple Meme. 

♥ What are your middle names?
Lee & Louis

♥ How long have you been together?
As we are now? creeping up on 6 years.

♥ How long did you know each other before you started dating?
16 years.

♥ Who asked who out?

well, i called him and asked him if he wanted to come over and play Scrabble. we got socked by a blizzard, playing late into the night, and he couldn’t leave for 2 days.  so, i guess that was me?

♥Who said I love you first?
in the romantic sense? me, a few weeks after we were dating.  but we’d been telling each other that for years and years.  the meaning just changed a bit.

♥ How old are each of you?
36

♥ Whose siblings do/did you see the most?
we each have a sibling who lives in town, but i work with mine…probably an equal amount

♥ Do you have any children together?
no

♥ What about pets?
I obtained Porkchop the year before he moved in, but he left his cat, Crow, at his mom’s, as Porkchop doesn’t play well with others.

♥ Did you go to the same schools?
high school, yes

♥ Are you from the same hometown?
yes, but what’s weirder than that…our families both moved to the Jersey Shore from neighboring towns within a year of each other.  so we have many many of the same childhood memories, even if we didn’t know each other.  

♥ Who is the smartest?
we’re both smart in two totally different ways.

♥ Who is the most sensitive?
i’m much more transparent, but we’re about equal in that realm.

♥ Where do you eat out most as a couple?
there’s this great southwestern restaurant in town that we adore. too bad its only open seasonally.

♥ Where is the furthest you two have traveled together as a couple?
we went to San Diego for a vacation in 2004(?).

♥ Who has the worst temper?
he’s definitely more obvious, i fester.

♥ Who does the cooking?
always him.  the only thing i make is the phone call to order pizza.

♥Who is the most social?
me, hands down

♥ Who is the neat-freak?
um, neither.  we like our clutter, but we’re not remotely dirty.

♥ Who is the most stubborn?
with each other, we’re more likely to compromise or drop it, or acquiesce. but i’ve seen us both be utterly un-budge-able with others.  like, ridiculously so.

♥ Who wakes up earlier?
Chris. when the alarm goes off at 2am, he gets up and puts coffee on, wakes me up at 230.

♥ Where was your first date?
we never did the whole “dating” thing, so i’ll tell you the first (and only) movie we’ve ever been to: The Day After Tomorrow.  i kid you not.  it was the off season, in early spring, and we were the only ones in the theater. it was awesome.

♥Who has the bigger family?
Chris

♥Do you get flowers often?
no, as Chris is allergic to most flowers.

♥ Who do you spend the holidays with?
our mothers are both in neighboring towns, so we split up the day and everyone (in theory) is happy.

♥Who does/did the laundry?
i totally do. i don’t mind it, and i still don’t forget the time an ex thought he was being helpful and tossed a maroon skirt in with the whites, rending his work shirt, our tshirts, socks…bright pink.

♥ Who’s better with the computer?
Chris doesn’t even have an email account. what does THAT tell you?

♥ Who drives when you are together?
Chris. i don’t mind driving, but i’d much rather be the passenger

♥ Who picks where you go to dinner?
we just pick.

♥ Who is the first one to admit when they’re wrong?
this is interesting, and i’ve really had to think about it.  he does.

♥ Who named your pet?
she came with that goofy but accurate moniker.

♥ Who wears the pants in the relationship?
interesting. although i hate the question.  but i probably do.

♥ Who has more tattoos?
me

♥ Who eats more sweets?
me, but we both ingest a fair amount of Ben & Jerry’s

♥ Who cries more?
me, totally

♥ Are you still together?
more than ever

Happy Valentine’s to you and your sweetie.

blog conditioner

i used to love going to the salon every three months and getting my hair cut, trimmed, colored.  okay, maybe i didn’t love spending hours in the salon itself, but i loved the way i felt when i left.  i think there were even times when i felt like a damn shampoo commercial:  flinging my hair around, pretending i was in super-slo-mo so that everyone could admire my healthy and shiny tresses.  of course, having had dreadlocks for 2.5 years, i don’t do the salon thang anymore.  but i digress.

this blog needed a change. so i did a little theme switcheroo and will be updating my blogroll and other links at some point soon.  funny how a simple thing like a theme change just makes me feel a little happier…

they don’t listen

i’ve been slowly telling my friends & family that we’ve ceased & desisted our baby-quest.  and nobody seems to listen.

“well, now that you’ve stopped trying so hard, it will happen”

“well, you were only really at it for a year or so…”

“why are you refusing to see a fertility specialist?”

what they’re not hearing is that i’m done, i want to move on. back to birth control. i don’t want to spend the next several years uptight, freaked out and miserable…waiting, hoping, wishing.  i just can’t see myself (and Chris) living like that.  i was almost accustomed to the thought of being (and i hate hate hate this term) “child free”, and was hoping for just a little support from the women in my immediate life.

and it makes me second guess myself. again.

season’s greetings

working in retail for 20 years has pretty much beat the holiday spirit out of me, i’ll admit.  i’ve spent the past 6-8 weeks busting my butt, gift wrapping & shipping other people’s presents as my regular profession.

and then December 23rd hits.  my favorite day of the year, Christmas Eve Eve.

the grumpus leaves the building and then i, too, am caught up in the whirlwind of happy activity.  which is why i’ve waited to do all of my wrapping and purchasing of a few last minute gift items.  because now i actually feel it…

not a big fan of traditional holiday music (that whole working in retail thing again, and the fact that i spent a good part of October previewing & purchasing seasonal music for the store. i mean, while you were picking out which candy to distribute to your neighborhood ghouls, i was in Fa-La-La land), there has been a certain carol that’s been stuck in my head today.

and so, for this festive time of year, i wish you and yours tidings of comfort & joy, comfort & joy.

Pants Pants Pants

for some laugh-til-you-cry stories about pants & the women who love(d) them, go visit Julie.  i nearly peed myself, i laughed so damn hard.